In one of my very first post “Loving Her” I spoke about my sexual assault and how it’s affected my “dating life”, if that’s what you want to call it. Every other week I attend counseling to help process the trauma that took place, identify triggers, and how to cope to avoid entering another toxic relationship.
“You’re so moody”. I’ve heard it a million times. I didn’t have the nicest responses to phrases such as that, especially when the person I was with lacked understanding. My self-esteem seemed to always take a hit when I entered relationships. Shouldn’t it be the opposite or at least stay the same? Bipolar II is described as “high episodes of euphoria and low episodes of depression, together known as hypomania”. In the grand scheme of things I know I’ve played a HUGE role in failed relationships but, it ultimately takes two to tango.
As I mentioned in “Loving Her” I don’t run around yelling “HEY! I have Bipolar II so beware!” I often would resent someone for not immediately understanding my highs and lows, mostly my lows. Or expecting them to know what I needed even when I didn’t know for myself. At one point I thought about creating a “Guide to dating Ashley” HA. Only kidding, but sometimes that seemed like the best solution when chaos would present itself. I’m slowly coming out of the “being vulnerable with someone is a bit unsettling” stage and it’s a new feeling I can’t say I’ve ever experienced.
Some days, I’m unrecognizable to those that know me best. Waves of emptiness plague me and I have no concrete answer as to why. I’m hesitant to open my hear to someone who MAY or MAY NOT end things because of something I don’t have control over. Accepting the “bad” mood Ashley is just as, if not more than, important as accepting the “good mood” Ashley. The “bad” moods aren’t fair to me, either. But they are apart of who I am. I’m growing and I’m so proud of myself for finally accepting the help I deserved. Be patient.
I do come with a lot of “emotional baggage” that is all apart of what makes me, me.
If you haven’t revisit “Loving Her”
xx,
Ash
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