Relapse.

My hiatus is over! A lot has happened since my last post in JUNE!

I’ve gone through highs and lows, as everyone does, but my biggest mountain I had to tackle was a relapse.

Over the last few months I have noticed that a possible relapse was close and I have tried and did try every possible tool I had available in my toolbox.

I know, Relapse sounds like such a heavy word.

When you’re going through one, it feels exactly how it sounds…heavy. Relapses are setbacks that we can hopefully overcome. A few ways I’ve maneuvered through my most recent relapse was cutting down on possible triggers to help me deal and reduce the impact my actions and decisions had on others. What are some of my triggers? I feel like depending on the season. Sounds odd? But, in education you KIND OF sort of get a little break between each school year. So, my summer triggers might look a little different from my Fall triggers.

Stress

Who doesn’t have stress? My stress and your stress won’t ever look like yours or the person next to you. We all have different definitions and experiences in regards to stress so, comparing mine to yours won’t do any justice.

The end of June I ruptured my Achilles, resulting in having surgery that kept me in the bed for quite a while. With an injury and surgery comes recovery. Recovery for this injury is a long and tough process. I often joke about how the injury occurred but deep down, it’s been a struggle to wrap my brain around. As time moves forward my hope for fully functioning on my level is closer than it did appear. I was sucked into a dark place that getting out of has been hard. Not having control over the inevitable is LIFE! It’s easy to say “It’s life” until something happens. I can admit I didn’t do a good job of handling the curve that was thrown my way that has now pushed into this season.

Contrary to my injury there were many changes I knew were taking place, that I could have planned for. Some things I did not plan as well as I probably should have so I had to cope and reduce the “crash” when I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I knew and often tried to remind myself that my feelings of hopelessness, guilt, pain and confusion would pass. I reached out and vocalized to my support team that I wasn’t feeling well. Along with reminding myself and getting help through the Word, Prayers, my friends and family who are constantly and consistently in my corner. When I started to feel like I was being “spread too thin” I knew/know that I needed to reach out because this isn’t a job I can ever do by myself.

Forgiveness

When I slump and fall under, the blame is on myself. I have to be cognizant of the negative things I say/think during these times AND all the time. The harder I am on myself the harder it is for me to start moving forward. I know the way my body feels isn’t my fault and during the times I struggle the most it’s had to remember and understand that.

Forgiving others seems to be an easier task than forgiving myself during these more challenging seasons but it’s beneficial to me and those encounter on a daily basis.

I’ve been provided with care, help and security for several years, I feel like I should be a PRO at this. I’ll never be a PRO at this.

I’m anticipating once I get back into the swing of things and establish a “new normal” for myself the recovery will continue and progress. It feels good to be blogging again! Having a mental illness isn’t my final destination, it’s a road block that has helped me find new paths to my purpose.

Thank you ALL for welcoming me back with open arms!

 

xx,

Ashley